The Hidden Side

To start off with, I’m not exactly sure how to write this so I’m just going with what I feel. I’m used to writing about hockey and band and things like that, this is something I am not used to. It’s hard to be open about something like this and I thought about it long and hard for quite a while before I actually decided to type. I’m not sure how many of you read my posts but those that do may already know. I”m not looking for pity or for people to look at me any differently with this post. I’m just trying to explain why I may act weirdly or why I did in the past.

I’ve been a nervous person all my life and I’m not exactly sure why but it’s always been there. I used to think it was just something everybody dealt with and in reality this is true, until it started to take over my life. It started to get bad in fourth grade and I had a few issues throughout middle school and high school. For those of you that know me, the side you saw was homesickness to the point I made myself sick. This wasn’t so much because I missed my parents but because I was so afraid of something happening that I did anything and everything I could to get out of wherever I was going including school.

What I’m trying to say is I have really bad anxiety which may sound like everyone and an everyday thing but mine went to an extreme. I’m finally comfortable talking about it now but for a while my life was a living hell. I tormented myself with thoughts that could never happen but I believed could and I went just off the wall. I would have crying fits, breakdowns, I would even avoid going to some of my college classes. I still fidget some and pick at my skin a lot, which is a major issue with my anxiety that I am still trying to get under control.

I hit rock bottom and finally admitted to myself that I had a problem around sophomore year of college. Thanks to some people who are very close to me, one in particular I went and talked to a counselor. I actually saw two for the time I was at UND and it helped greatly. When I quit going I still dealt with it but not nearly as severe and I finally had my life in control once again.

This is a really hard thing to admit to but I’m sick of acting like nothing ever happened and I’m willing to admit it. To go a little deeper into this, when you see me I may not look nervous on the outside but my daily life is constant worrying about what if and what will. Thankfully now it’s not so much what if but will not. I know I can worry but things are out of my control and I just need to worry about what I can control. Also trust… trust was a big part of my anxiety. I’m not sure where it came from but I put some people very close to me through hell over trust and now I’m happy to say I’ve overcome that and am on the mend. I don’t question and if I do I catch myself in the act and tell myself it’s just my anxiety and I don’t need to worry.

It’s really difficult to admit I had/have a problem dealing with anxiety but I’m glad to say I know how to deal with it if it starts to bother me. I’ve always been a nervous person and to be honest I’m not 100% sure why but I think I may know part of it. However I’m not really comfortable sharing that part as of now.

The main reason I shared this is because I hope other people are able to know they aren’t alone. Everyone deals with anxiety but in different ways. Some it is way more severe and some people don’t even notice. My point is, don’t be afraid to get help for it. You’re not an alien, you’re not alone. This is what counselors are for and a lot of times, they’ve gone through the same things you have and that’s why they wanted to become a counselor so they can help others through the same things. Yes, it is hard to admit and it is hard to get help. You often feel embarrassed or incapable. When in reality you are capable you just need some help on how to control your anxiety and what things you should and shouldn’t worry about.

It’s way easier once you walk through that door. Everyone is nice and understands why you are there. They don’t push you or pressure they just want to help. I still deal with anxiety every day and I probably always will but I”m not tearing my life apart like I almost did and thankfully that person who helped me get help is still by my side to this day. Depending on how many people read this I may post more about it but that’s it for now. Thanks for reading and as always…



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